Once upon a time, there was a naïve girl with absurd, unrealistic expectations on how the world is supposed to work. She thought she had it all figured out and she fell flat on her face. Then got up and walked straight into a pole. The End!
Hi guys it’s me! I have been asked to go into a little more detail regarding my backstory in my introduction post so here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for folks. Drumroll, please. So, it all started off with me thinking I knew everything. Just how every fairytale starts off, right? After having a rough time in middle school with my identity, bullying, making some horrible mistakes, and associating with a not so wonderful crowd, I decided to reinvent myself. It was like Extreme Home Makeover except the house had to leave private school that it’s been going to its entire life because of money issues to a public school where it had no clue how to fit in. Then, the house didn’t know how to make new friends, got bullied for wearing awful clothes, and having an afro. All in all, the house looks pretty, damn good now. 10/10 would live in it.
I went into high school as a new person I barely recognized but was kind of okay with. I wore preppy clothes, played a sport (I suck at sports?), and had my whole life plan figured out, supposedly. I was going to work my butt off in high school, get straight A’s, be super involved in clubs, make better friends, graduate, and study at an upscale 4-year university. I think I accomplished 1 and ½ of those things? That was still a rough time in my life because I was still dealing with the repercussions of my actions in middle school and had to deal with people being, you know, people. I thought I had reinvented myself into a person I liked but come senior year, I kind of hated myself and I was disappointed because I was supposed to be “reinventing” myself. I had spent almost 4 years trying to become the best version of myself that I could be, yet I was still feeling empty. I realized I was taking out my insecurities on others and senior year Jamie would have NEVER admitted that. She was on top of the world and going to the university she “dreamed” of going to! Now that I look back, maybe that just wasn’t the case. Maybe that’s not what I really thought I wanted.
I left high school with little left to show from it. I lost/disconnected myself from my friends because I felt the need to start over, again. Come August of 2016, I started my freshman year at Stetson University. I had attended all the prospective student events that I could and made friends in the new student group chats, so I could kick start the year off right. My roommate became my best friend, I went to all the parties, made tons of new friends, and joined a sorority. How could that not be perfect? I gave Greek life a shot and it wasn’t for me, but I respect it for everyone else who is involved because it is a lot of work and a time commitment. Work ethic and commitment were not things I was very focused on at that time. Mostly weed.
I made some decisions I was not proud of my first semester and dealt with things that still haunt me until this day. There were mornings I woke up and was terrified to look at my phone to see what I posted and who I pissed off at the party I accidentally left them at. I had NO CLUE who I even was. Hell, I had no clue what even happened the two nights before. I lost sight of any career path or goals I had. I began sleeping through my classes and just straight up deciding not to go to them because I just didn’t see the point anymore. I thought I was a pretty good bullsh*tter, I could get away with it, right? *Buzzer sounds*
I realized I had fallen into a rut being at Stetson and didn’t see my future progressing there. I talked to my mom about how much I hated it there and started crying in an Olive Garden. Yes, an Olive Garden. I told her I decided I wanted to go to school elsewhere to become a nurse because that just sounded like a career that I would be good at (after being a Patient Care Technician/CNA and being attacked, pooped on, and screamed at, I realized this was not the job for me). I just impulsively decided I would attend Santa Fe College in Gainesville because it was far away and running away from your problems apparently solves everything. Spoiler alert: it does NOT.
Of course, a few weeks before I moved, I met a boy at Stetson who I thought was funny, smart, and yes, very attractive. He made me want to stay but I knew I had to get away. Little did I know we would make the distance work, end up dating for a year and a half, and live together now. He was and is my rock through it all. Anyways, I gave Gainesville a shot and got my grades up big time. I was getting A’s, making decent money, and saw a future for myself for once. I won’t say it was even close to being a bad experience being there but I just had a hard time making new friends and being far away from home. I realized after all these years for wanting to get away from my home, I took it all for granted and gained a new appreciation for my family out of that.
The last thing I really struggled with which I recently have started to overcome was knowing what I wanted to do career wise. I thought I should become a nurse because I have this natural tendency to care for people even when they don’t want to be cared for. I worked as a CNA at a nursing home for approximately for a month until I was so mortified by how the facility ran I had to leave. I hate to get all depressing here, but what you hear about abuse and neglect in homes is more than true. Seeing that on almost a daily basis made my heart hurt and gave me panic attacks before I went into work every day. I had to quit. Then several months later, I decided to try working in a hospital because I thought it would be different for some reason. I worked night shift because I told myself it would be less stressful. I am currently laughing as I write this sentence. Working night shift turned me into a monster but it really just was not the job for me. I can’t handle others bodily fluids without gagging a little bit and I wasn’t a fan of being attacked by patients. Side note, I appreciate what all of you nurses and PCT/CNA’s do because it takes guts, literally, and it takes a special person to do what you do. THANK YOU.
My main point here is that it’s okay to not know what you’re doing next. Like ever. We often find ourselves getting so caught up and focused on what’s next for us, we lose ourselves in the present moment. The future is exciting. It really is. It is near impossible to have it all planned out perfectly and, in all honesty, it makes us a little miserable when we have this “big plan” and none of it seems to work out the way it was set up in our head! How could it not work out if it was PLANNED? Well honey, welcome to all of life.
That’s all for now guys. I hope that you were able to gain something from this and if you don’t know what the actual hell you’re doing with your life…
WELCOME TO THE CLUB 😉